BONUS: F**k Yeah! Jingle All The Way!

Hello, this is Sean and welcome to fuck your opinion a movie review podcast. Before we get started, please make sure to like follow subscribe, write a review of this podcast wherever you are listening right now and please be sure to follow us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. All those are linked in the description. Enjoy the episode. Hello and welcome to a fuck your opinion a movie review podcast. Hi, y'all teapot Scotto here and welcome to your opinion a movie review podcast. Sean take it away. Y'all. You just cursed. You don't normally do that. Well, you censored it. So it's not like anybody heard the name heard the word anyways. Oh, okay. Even though I even though I told you before to be on your best behavior because I was gonna do almost no editing on this episode. Because I'm aiming to put this up the same day. You said fuck it. I'm still just gonna go in with the app first and have Sean on encourages self censorship. He wants people to hold everything back in so they don't push bad on me. You are the one who demands demands. I do that I would love to just keep all your curses. All your profane jokes, but then you'll bitch to me afterwards. Oh, Sean. I know this is actually quite a tame joke. My mother here we decided we'd do a quick episode about one of our favorite Christmas. Yeah, this Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas. This is a Christmas episode. Whoa, whoa, whoa, now I have a machine gun. This is not die hard. But whenever I hear how Whoa, I have to So what did we watch this week? Today we watch the Christmas classic than I love the six classic that I love that Jani loves that we actually brought up on the very first episode of this podcast. It is jingle all the way ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding That's right, folks. Now that I fell in love Jingle all the way. I cannot get enough of that movie. It's It's It's a jewel in terms of like 90s Christmas films and there are a lot it's it's a jewel. You can't You can't deny how watchable it is. 25 years later. It has stood the test of time. Yeah, I mean, it's just it. I used to think that sarcastically right No, I'm not saying that star cat sarcastically there are plenty of Christmas mood like for instance, take the Santa Claus just boring fundamentally drab. Yeah, but the thing about jingle all the way is that it does not care about you, as a viewer know that I was writing that my notes like this movie just does not give a fuck. It doesn't care that it was supposed to be marketed to children it so so many non child non approach. Let me backtrack there are so many inappropriate jokes. Most most of them coming from Sinbad but I mean the innuendo it's just all of this inappropriate. I am not a PA there's just so much that does not belong in this movie and it's there. And every time I watch it, I just want it I start it I peel back the layers and I find more it's a it's like going into a mine You know the deeper and you go you start finding more of those more of those jewels more of those precious metals. Like one that I always I forgot about but picked up on this time again or picked up on in this viewing for the first time when Arnie is calling home and his son Jake Lloyd and he can Skywalker picks up and he asked where that's already asked where his mother is and his mom is outside with their neighbor Ted who was just really trying his absolute best to jump in that woman's pants is given out everyone hot cocoa and he's even bought a reindeer for his son in the reindeer is named Ted. So when Arnie calls home and he asks Anika Skywalker, where his mom is Atkins responses. Oh, she's next door pet and Ted. Yeah. And it's just that is so great. I can't believe I missed that. It's, I can't believe I was, like, once a year, too, but yeah, I mean, I don't always pay attention. I love that so many times. What I love about that interaction is that Arnie goes, excuse me What? And then the kid just continues on on Fe. He's like it. Did he even occur to him when he just said, like, I mean, naturally, but it just also Anna kins performance is just like, I mean, he's a kid is a five or six year old. Yeah, sounds great. But I think it adds the humor I think it just makes it that much better. child actor and wouldn't have been as good I also really love the winning Arnie calls earlier and obviously the infamous Potok okay down now seen I love that every time that you know something else that's grown in me in my opinion of this film, and my hopes and my desires with it is every time I watch it, I want I want Ted to win in the end. I want God why Yeah, no. Well, Phil Hartman's hilarious First of all, I think it also needs to be stated like this movies x so wonderfully cast Sinbad Yes. As the psychotic Postal Service Workers great Ted as the the the lovable handy next door sex fade is perfect. Trip mcore already are now is now is a very small, insane But uh, I mean, in a film that is such a poignant statement about the savagery of holiday consumerism, who else would you cast as the lead, but the king of the wild men himself? Conan the Barbarian? Who else? Yeah, and peak chimerism you know, what? 96 But no, I know, but I'm saying he got his start in the 80s. I mean, it's regardless, the decade is regardless of the point it doesn't matter. Anyway, that I wrote about the TED thing is I'm just gonna read it out verbatim. I thought it was pretty funny what I wrote it down who knows We'll see. As an adult, I find myself increasingly pulling for Ted to slay him Arnie's wife, I'd like to imagine a world where the character sex feed. I thought it was a wait, I thought she was Steven Spielberg's wife now it's Tom Hanks, his wife. Okay, so to slay him, Arnie and Tom Hanks, his wife. I'd like to imagine a world where the caring sensitive handy sex fiend gets the married woman in the end, it's never gonna happen. But man, what a kid's movie that would have made right what the plot could have been more troubling. Imagine a fantastic end scene. By the way, this is something I really thought of that was great, right? So imagine this fantastic NC where Jamie is sitting in the dining room. He's eating dinner, and in the kitchen. Arnie and Liz are talking and Arnie hasn't actually gotten the turbo man in this version. So they're talking in the kitchen is Arnie is making up all these excuses for why he couldn't find a turbo man. And then Liz, it last turns to him. And after a beat says, I fucked Ted. That's the movie I want. I'm not gonna get it. I'm still happy with the one we have. And the next time I watch it, I'm still gonna hope Ted does it. Even though I know what if Okay, hear me out. So the ending of this movie is his wife goes, Oh, man, you spent so much time and effort and energy into getting this doll for? Was it Kevin? All right, Kevin. Jake, no, not Jake. Jamie, for Jamie. I can only imagine what you got me. And then Arnie turns dramatically to the camera and zooms in zooms in with a dream zoom. And it did. Three time. So think credit scene by the way. This is after the credits. Yeah, that's it. And keep in mind, it's Christmas Eve. I also want to talk about the timeline of this movie, which makes no sense. But it's Christmas Eve, he can't possibly go out and get anything right now. Could he just write a little card? And it says like, it says, one free fuck session with Ted and I'll just ignore it. Like, you know, she wants to there's just something about Ted the way she looks at it. It'd be like a hate thing. You know, I think we all have those people. We all have those people. I think that our our disdain for them is so powerful that it stirs these feelings of arousal almost in us, almost in us. It's like this very beastial like atavistic. Turn back to our tour lesson. I think we all do. I think you I think you're done. We all do. Okay. It might be it's, you know, the wedding still a ways off. So, but I did want to talk real quick about the timeline of this movie. What's the majority of it takes place on the same day, right? Uh huh. So he goes, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't most parades earlier on in the day? 10am 11am Yeah. So that he arnauld beginning of a day, I think it's 9am goes out to this toy shop. He visits theoretically I want to say like five to 10 other shops goes to a mall gets in that ball hunt goes to this underground warehouse, CD Santa exchange, I don't know what they call it underground, North Pole, criminal north, whatever you want to call so he does that. He does that he goes to a diner go like everything that happens. And yet so at earlier I made I was three o'clock in the afternoon. Four o'clock, the sun would be going down. I mean, I don't know how the parade could in Chicago that way with Yeah, it's I don't under doesn't make any sense. But it's great. If it doesn't And you know what else like doesn't make sense in terms of timeline. So the police officer officer Hubble, I looked up his name, his name is officer Hummel. So this guy already runs it to him I think four times throughout the this one day, first time when he tips over his bike. Second time with a bomb third time. Okay, so maybe it's only three times Yeah, but he has the night before he runs it four times total three times that one day. He runs into this guy three times. And in the chorus this officers bike is not wrecked, but damage. The second time a bomb, homemade explosive device blows up in this man's face. And then the third time this officer is cleaned up back at the he's at the parade. He's got bandaged hands, but that's the only sign of any sort of injury that was done to him. And you know, the whole time, by the time we get to the to the end there. I'm just thinking, you know what, he survived an explosion bandage himself up, and he's back on the front line that day. You know, I don't think turbo man's the real hero in this movie. It's our boys in blue. You know, blue. They're the real American hero Shawn. You know, my roommate actually made a note about this. So there's that cop flow, if you remember right before the turbo man flow, and and I'm like, oh, man, that doesn't age. Well in 2020. And then he pointed out, it's not actually Chicago. It's Minneapolis. The movie takes place in Oh, this is Chicago, Minneapolis. He could be wrong. I thought it was Chicago. Well, I thought it was. It's supposed to be set in Chicago, but they didn't film there. I mean, I thought so too. I don't know. But if it is Minneapolis, a cop flow in Minneapolis did not just say they're cutting that. Yeah, that's what they'll cut. That's the one thing they would cut from the movie. All from the budget. Police Force budget. They can't be doing cop. Oh, you're talking about the actual Yeah, in real life. I don't think they had the parade to begin with. I don't think that was fine. by God. They have that 4pm parade on Christmas Eve. I know. Another thing I wanted to note. There's so many again, there's so many weird timeline bets with the car when he leaves his car in front of that diner and then races off to the radio station at most an hour has gone by and generous and yeah, that is being generous. And in that hour, his car is also completely vandalized. Every pretty much everything was taken and go through doors take it all away Get off it again for the last hour and she's smeared over the hood. And this is not even like a bad part of the city. Whichever city we're in is actually looks like a business district in broad daylight on Christmas Eve. How I mean, like those are really a mishit thieves. There's just I think what what makes a part of the charm of this movie is just the the zany coincidences I love it. Yeah, no I love that. It's and it's it doesn't care about you know what, what is supposed to motivate narrative at all Just give us the x thing. It just sprints with the with absolute celerity from one set piece to the next without giving you time to think about how dumb everything is like that one guy who went, I want to say like a third of the movie when Sinbad and Arnie, like oh man, well that turbo man. And then the one guy does a runs to his cars like there's a new shipment of turbo man dolls at this toy store. Like that's nuts, guys. I love it. Or I mean, I think the real clear indicator that this movie does, like, again does not give a single fuck about what you want, or what it should be, is the infamous scene where Sinbad presses up as the bad guy and then launches his hand as a projectile. And then it comes. No, no, no. He launches his head as a projectile. It is seen dis detached from his wrist hitting already in the face, and then it swings back into his wrist. And he's just wearing a costume. Yeah, he stole a costume off again. He does not it does not care. I love it. I love it for it. Also, did you did you pick up on Arnold's profession in this movie? He sells mattresses or mattress boxes? Yeah. What does he do? He's the mattress salesman. And I was just telling myself he owns a company. I think he owns a mattress company. There's a factory I think it looks like they're assembled in the warehouse. That's where the party is going on. I but I was just asking myself Who in the world is buying bulk? mattresses? mattresses and bulk on two days before Christmas? Sorry, Eve Christmas Eve. The 23rd of December. Yeah, I don't know. Hotels. A lot of hotel It was 1996. But again, timing wise, so weird. your motherboard customer. Also his assistant was right. This kind of irked me was writing on those folders, like the notes. Oh, you're going to be late for the play. And I'm just telling myself those those folders don't grow on trees. Well technically do but that's besides the point. But just use a piece of paper. Why do you got to waste a whole fucking folder to write a note? It's absurd. It's absurd that well, you know, printer paper is just so darn flimsy. From a production standpoint, I really don't see why right on the printer paper and then you hold it up to the folder you have to write on the whole file folder. But then you have to go through the effort of like leafing through the other pages trying to you have to lick your fingers. So make sure you have is in the world of this movement. In the world of this movie. She's just gonna have to throw away those folders. It's not like she can just reuse that she can't just put it in her. They are a prospering mattress company. Okay, I don't think they give two damns about a couple of manila folders they were five max that she had us well yes preposterous idea is very well to do. I don't know if your your job your university likes to just waste money. But let me tell you in the corporate world, they like to not waste money. And I think it's recyclable. I think Arnold would actually kind of be upset that she did this also the 90s nobody really cared about pollution. We were just doing, you know, we were driving pollution. It's about money cost. Fuck the environment. Very successful, man. I don't think he cares about about some folders. Alright, what else want to talk about? Um, man, what else do I want to talk about? A couple of my other notes. I think Sinbad chin would not be distinguishable from his neck if it weren't for that goatee he was wearing that's your no that's it's mean. But like when you look at it from the front, you start to notice how weak his chin is. I think about that for a single second. That is so amazing in this movie. I can tell he improvised the entire thing. And it says his his storyline again go into what you're saying like this is for adults not kids. He's like my wife slept with everyone in the post office except me. Cuz you gotta imagine postal workers they stopped like these are the cream of crop of men. This is not the bachelor way. This is not like these are like Yeah. Like all men presumably are just like more Sinbad so it's kind of really sad guys who didn't get that seven gun in one toy as children. Yeah, they're all those you know, outside like Sherman, that message is like if you get the right toy, alien air. And if you don't know, right away, that is the message. I want to talk more about Sinbad. But that is the message of this movie. It's the central theme, as stated the diner scene, and it's basically satisfy your child's whim for the latest toy, and you will diminish the likelihood they'll work for the US Postal Service. That's the point. That's the point. The point that's the point of the stronger theme, the movie is critiquing that and criticizing it, where the ultimate point is, obviously, at the very end, when Darth Vader gives up his toy and says, Here's Sinbad give this to your son. It's about generosity and giving as opposed to receiving that's the whole point of what the Christmas spirit should be. And the movie is critiquing and saying, hey, society, you don't actually value this. You value everything that was shown before you know, buying gifts and just wasting money. It's just inauthentic and you know, corporate greed I mean, at the end of the day, Jay Darth Vader still gets turbo man. He just gets the take home a life size turbo man, but he's not keeping that cost. You can't keep that cost down save the day. He saved the day the policemen commended humble also I want the I want and I did you pick up on the line when the announcers and line graphs are line when the knots are say, Oh, no, Gail, this could be the end of civilization as we know it. And they say really not sarcastically just very Matter of fact, like, Oh, no. world's gonna end because just part of the parade and like, Oh, that's funny. They're acting, you know? Yeah, it's it's funny. Couple other notes I had about Sinbad in addition to his chin. Remember that time Sinbad exposed Disney the toy industrial complex and stood up for animal rights in the same rant all the way back in 1996. Think about it outside of that toy store. He goes from Toy industrial complex, the insidiousness of marketing. And then when he grabs That woman is about to I don't know what he's going to do with everybody realizes that he's getting too worked up. He tells her that she wouldn't she shouldn't wear ufer See, that's the message of the movie right there. And I think it's hilarious. Again, this is the kids movie. Also, this is now a Disney movie. So I really appreciate that stomach. I think that's pretty funny. also garnered a lot of I want to say some insight about Sinbad but a little bit after that when Arnold buys the booster doll accidentally from the lady Remember that? Yeah. Because he thinks that she has one of the last turbo mandals so he gives her three times the cost of whatever it should be. He buys it from her without verifying that's turbo man looks at it sees its booster. And the running joke of this movie is everyone hates booster. Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn't go you know i'd maybe this will be a good backup or secondary gift. He goes no one likes booster. We all hate booster so much that even though I spent like $60 on this, I'm just gonna throw it in the trash. He just trashes it. Because this is 1996. And he's making all of these transactions with cash at some point he spends $300 on a bootleg turbo ban Spanish one that's broken. He spent 60 there how much money and cash does this bad carry around on him on a given on a given day? He's a master salesman. He's always ready to go prosperous. He is insanely wealthy. You're right. I just want to touch on one last point with Sinbad because no matter what this movie wants to tell you about the ending, his his story does not get any happier once the credits roll. Now, he says what am I going to tell my son on Christmas morning? And I wrote Sinbad I don't think you've considered the consequences of your actions here. You're definitely going to jail and your son almost certainly going to become a ward of the state. You thought working for the Postal Service bad was bad. What lies in store for your son, the price he must pay for your sins is undoubtedly worse than anything you'd dreamt but at least he's going to get that doll if it's not kept in evidence when he is arrested and processed at jail. You know, you're not wrong, but also assaulting multiple people. But also by this logic, shouldn't Arnold Swartz in here also be going to jail? No, he saved the day. Yeah, but he also talked to the police officer several times. Let's see what else Anything else? Oh, I also I want to talk about that. I want to say something real quick. Oh, I do want to say something. Mine's a quick thing. Just a quick note. Quick note that couldn't have found a senior actor to play criminal Santa Claus. Then Jim Belushi. Next door, Pat and Ted already said that, oh, favorite line from the whole movie though. Sinbad, Sinbad and Arnie are in the, in the studio. He they just found out one of the bombs he said, was real wasn't real. And he says I quote, I've been under a lot of pressure since the zip plus four thing. And I found that way too funny. Wait, what? I don't get the joke. So I think back around the turn of the century before this point, zip codes were only just that five number code. But the more zip codes, the more zip codes that were being used, they had to add additional numbers to really clarify the exact location. So the zip plus four system was introduced, I think sometime in like the late 80s, early 90s. That's funny. I love Sinbad character. Also, when they go in and the CTO, I love how Arnie straight up breaks that glass door, he kicks it open and then the glass shatters as soon as destruction. And again, what I love so much about the premise besides his top satire critique is it's such a simple premise. It's I am literally just going for this toy, this action figure. That's my aim. That's my goal is so small and so simple. And just hilarious of the how much effort and how much aggravation and brings them and how. Yeah, it's it's hilarious. I also wanted to know now listeners This is I'm spoiling a future episode. In the future. We do a Cat in the Hat episode. And the reason why I bring that up is because during the parade, there was a Cat in the Hat cat Matt and Jamie and his friend who is Ted son. They High Five as to say fuck yeah, Cat in the Hat. Like they got so excited. overseed Yeah, and that was I was it wasn't the mike Meyers cat. But I was like still like Mike Myers or cat in the hammock. These were these were 90s characters. 90s. It was the 90s there wasn't a lot to glom over. So you kind of just had to take what you got. And appreciate it. Okay, I have something to say about the about the parade. Well, that was one of them. Another another bit about the parade. So booster is only wearing underwear. Did you notice that? It's it could be spanned? It could be spandex? It could just be like a speedo. But yes, he's only wearing a single very slim garment. Yeah. Do you think he is there? He seems like the kind of guy that would be pretty well endowed despite his circumstances. Yes. Or do you think because he's so hated he has a micro penis? I don't. I don't think the universe is that unfair? How about that? will just I'll just put my I'll let that be my answer. All right. I also note that I really love I forgot the exact beat. But at some point booster wipes away had a tear from his face. And it's just like, that's not pa Yeah, you know, it was really creeping me out was he was operating the mouth when he was just saying like asides to RNA. He was still moving the mouth, even though he didn't have I don't know if it was automated, but the mouth was moving while he was telling Arnie to pick a kid. And I felt like it should. It didn't need to be. I will say my favorite moment of the movie is consistently when booster gets kicked off that flow. And all the kids run off to him and kick him and say, nobody likes you booster. And just oh, that's not the first thing that said. Yeah, I know the other thing they say you're not going to say I'm not gonna say it that way as well. It did not. But I still love them. Don't you dare change it. It's a beautiful artifact of the past and it has to remain the same. the good and the bad. Alright, I don't really have anything else to say. Can I also last know about the floats and everything. When the little bad guys are attacking Arnold and their lineman team? Yeah. And they say Don't you know the choreography? He's a standard how would the standard know the choreography how this happened? Like? So there's apparently no choreography because they're actually hitting him. If there is any choreography. He wouldn't be missing him. It'd be intentionally stage fighting. But no, they're physically hedingham so I don't know what kind of choreography that is what clearly there's not. Maybe Sinbad threatened their families before they came out of those tiny little doors. Who knows on my last note, good note to end on. I hate remember that time that Arnie called clocked a reindeer? Yeah, I remember that. It this movie, it said some very, very contradictory messages about man's treatment towards animals. We can't wear fur coats. But if you need to punch a reindeer in the snout, go ahead as long as you're gonna feed it scotch afterwards. Alright, let's wrap this bad boy up. Can I won't let me look over my notes. I like that Arnold's name is Howard. I think that's kind of goofy. I'm never I'm just gonna call them RNA. No, I mean, we are always going to call them RNA. Also, when Jamie is criticizing and beginning the movie saying, Oh, you don't go. You miss this parade every year at this parade is on Christmas Eve. What is he doing every Christmas Eve was probably working or I mean Christmas Eve. He's probably working or working out. Because since Ted says, You can't benchpress your way out of this one. Howard. Yeah. Also leads me to believe he has benchpress himself out of troublesome situations in the past. I also another thing I made note of is going back to the underground, Santa Claus criminal syndicate, when the police Bustan and Arnold grabbed a fake toy badge and uses a child's toy, a child's toy police badge to lie his way out of the situation. He says that he's been on this case for three years. So what I'm just like, in most movies, when someone lies, or does this kind of Oh, I've been on the case, it's usually a matter of a couple months. So I and this this doesn't seem to be that elaborate of a it's not an interpretation at all. It's really small. So I'm like, What have you been doing in this hypothetical? What if you've been doing in three years? Like how could this possibly have taken you this long to figure this out? It'd be this I know this is all a lie. And I've been really corrupt. It's just a really weird off the top of time frame to go off of, but yeah, I again, I love this movie. I watch it every year, Jingle all the way back back with diehard Rmi to go to Christmas movies. The older I get, the more I watch it, the more I love and appreciate it. And I think I appreciate it more to if I don't know if I would necessarily call consider this a good movie. Because I think for for one to be good to good film. It's many elements all have to kind of rally around one or a few central ideas or themes and, you know, cinematography is mediocre? The acting's like, okay, for the most part, and the acting is part of it's part of its charm. It's great, and it's bad at some points, but at least it's on a par, you know, it's it doesn't it's not unwatchable. And the theme can be like dis depressingly cynical at best. But the story is hilarious. And it's well, it is very well paced, especially for something that's only like 80 minutes long without credits. So even as I know, it isn't like all that good. I can still appreciate it a lot as a satirical movie, and also nostalgically because I've been watching it for the better part of 20 years now. Yeah, it's not going to go away. I'm going to keep watching it. I'm going to keep enjoying it. And I'm going to keep taking away something different every time. Same. If I ever have kids, the reason why I would have kids is just to introduce them to this movie. So I can Bay I can say, Hey, kids, let's watch jingle all the way and then uncle Jani will break into your house at night and make them watch cat the hat. You're never get around to my kids are not going to know you. You're just going to be some stranger. You're going to try Scooby Doo, but I'm going to tell them I'm going to turn them against you. I'm going to there's going to be the cult of Scooby Doo and the cult of cat in the hat and I'm going to have them join the Cat in the Hat called gonna give them little hats for their birthdays. They're going to be walking around on little hats. Oh, I mean, kind of Yeah, at some point like don't don't all major figures in one way, shape or form transcend their earthly existence. You're saying Scooby Doo, transcend. At some point yes, Scooby Doo will add so we'll cat the hat. Here's the thing cat the hat and Scooby Doo. They will live much longer than you are I you better just accept that. Yeah, Scooby Doo will ask outlive me. That Cat in the Hat outlive Scooby Doo it pre exists Scooby Doo. And by the time Scooby Doo becomes nothing but a faint whisper of a memory Cat in the Hat will still reign supreme. I think that's a good place to end. Yeah, I like that. yourself. Shawn. Why are we ending on fucking Scooby Doo and kavaja are talking about Ching all the way I'll just end with Potok okay john. No, no. Go fuck yourself. You're a you That's a good one. No, it's bad. Never should you always really bad at them. That was terrible. Just get locked up. Okay down. Miss Yani. Go fuck yourself. dawnay your day.